


The Last Hallelujah

by safetypin



Category: NCIS
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Other, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 17:35:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4796285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/safetypin/pseuds/safetypin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So here goes blind faith. Except he had lost his when he was a child and had prayed for the scars to go away but they didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last Hallelujah

**Author's Note:**

> So it’s like two am and I got six hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and I was feeling like someone needed to die, and this character is one of my favorites too kill so this happened. Songfic to Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah. Not the first one. So yes there is mentions of romance and how I have it in my head is slashy but if you choose to see it another way that's up to you.  
> Holy shit TRIGGER WARNINGS. Suicide! Mentions of abuse, physical and mental, and self harm.  
> Pretty much creepy on many levels too, for me it's either all fluff or its ANGST. This is the latter. By-products of no sleep and… I won't go there. And omg I made it passed 1,000 words! yayyyyy!  
> The characters aren't mine (All one portrayed, and other briefly there.) Neither is the song.

The sweet and sad melody began to play. He sat there, frozen, unmoving. Frozen for the lost moments. All that lost love. Wasn’t that why he was here, lost love. No. He’d never had it to begin with. Never would. And maybe that was why he was there, maybe that was a justifiable reason for his cause and effect. That's how he liked to think of it. 

'Now I've heard there was a secret chord  
That David played, and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?  
It goes like this  
The fourth, the fifth  
The minor fall, the major lift  
The baffled king composing Hallelujah'

He looked across the room to the empty desk in front of him. There was nothing left but darkness. His lamp the only soft glow. Perhaps in his own way, here he could be the king of his own kingdom. Perhaps. In the night, maybe. But come daytime and sunshine, fantasy replaces itself with reality, and the music dies. 

Yes. He hadn’t wanted the music to die before… before. So here he was, well past midnight. Moonlight pouring in through the tall windows. Selene help him. Take im away to your beautiful moonlight-kingdom. Do with him what you please, but take him away. 

Besides, music hadn’t always been his forte. Sure he could play the piano well, and unbeknownst to his co-workers, the violin as well. But he loved the notes, the simplicity in the complexity. Not like life. Life was just… hell. So why not drift away to the recollection of the beauty in them. Then he wouldn't be thinking of his reasons… not like his mind was constantly filled by them at all. 

'Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah'

He smirked to himself, he knew that his broken hallelujah would never be heard again. No one needed to do so anyway. His words, while loudly spoken and filled with much, we never heard any way. It wouldn't matter in the long run, would it. He wouldn't. So yes, he was right for doing this. Right for giving himself a release too. He deserved one, right? Don’t we all?

'Your faith was strong but you needed proof  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew her  
She tied you  
To a kitchen chair  
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair  
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah'

The pill bottle was on the desk in front of him. He grabbed the vodka that he had stashed. Thinking, ‘this is how I end the pain. This can be the end of the ache.’

‘End the ache End the void. End… you.’ The voice in his head told him. That damned voice. Always annoying, but ever so right. Because maybe if he listened well enough he’d be right. Maybe stuttered apologies don’t have to be the place he was assigned to. Maybe he could be free. For once in his life, even if it meant the end of it too. A sacrifice he had to make. Sometimes they were made. Here’s another. Just one more. 

'Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah

But baby I've been here before  
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor  
You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya  
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
And love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah'

He unscrewed the child-proof cap. His mind racing with; ‘here's to the broken Hallelujah. Here’s to the ones with scars hiding inside.’  
A fearful realization, he found. That he’d toast to another before his own end.  
How comical. And truly, to many others he had always been just that. Always been the laughing stock. Always the rodeo clown, never the cowboy. 

‘Save the day.. Isn't that their purpose though?’ He head questioned.  
‘Sure. Like that was ever me.’ Continued the internal dialogue. 

'Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know  
What's really going on below  
But now you never show that to me do ya  
But remember when I moved in you  
And the holy dove was moving too  
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah'

He looked around to make sure he was alone. Then he made sure that Hallelujah would keep playing until manually stopped. Because no one had had been there to let him talk about what was going on below. His holy dove was missing. What he wouldn’t have given to find it. Too late now, he thought. To late. He was to far gone. Because now, he could not go back. Ever. 

'Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above  
But all I've ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya  
And it's not a cry that you hear at night  
It's not somebody who's seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah'

He dumped the contents of the bottle into his hand as Jeff Buckley crooned the final cords. Maybe if there was a God, he would go to heaven. Maybe then there would be heaven. Maybe someone had heard his broken prayers. But there had already been to many… 

So here goes blind faith. Except he lost his when he was a child and had prayed for the scars to go away and they didn't. They still remained. His own and his father's. His wrists, his back, his mind. 

This wouldn't leave any more. No more poetic blood from his youth. It was simply time to go. Go forever. 

'Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah’

As the tears filled his eyes he brought the full hand to his mouth. He turned to the vodka and broke the seal. And as he swallowed, he was barely aware of the *ding* in the background. 

He opened his eyes, just nearly, to see the blue eyes he had fallen so hard for. 

"Goodbye love." He whispered as he fell into darkness. 

‘Hallelujah’

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are lovely, and mean the world. My stuff on heaven and stuff is of no importance, as I am not a firm believer in anything. Please make my day with pressing that kudos button below!


End file.
